This is the agreement from hell. Agreements usually have contribution by both parents which are negotiated. This version hurts you and your boys. In reality, she'll breach it a million times over by dropping the boys off with you on her days while demanding greater financial support.
yes indeed… I will push for equal rights for sure. One challenge I have I’m away for work and in the next few months I will need to go overseas for work so I need a good arrangement
Why are you even looking at, much less considering this, or anything, she presents to you? All communications of this type go through lawyers first. That is, her lawyer writes this up with her input, gives it to your lawyer, who reviews it, and then gives you options. Your receipt of this, without having gone through your lawyer is causing you needless emotional turmoil. It is intended to spin you up (i.e., manipulate you) and keep you off balance. Don't accept or look at anything from her directly. As long as you play the game by her rules she has the upper hand.
thanks for your thoughts. I wish it would be that easy… until the parenting stuff is sorted I still live in the same house… so can’t be shielded 100% by lawyers. Anyway I think you are right in the core of your comment she tries to control and manipulate so I will use now my lawyer to move things forward
I would start recording convos with my phone. Indeed get a recording app and get in the habit of turning it on before you walk in your house. It saved me and my kids getting a worse deal.
He had me sign a promissory note, broke the terms, then called CPS with false claims and kicked me out once he owned it, then withholding the children and telling them nothing. He wanted them to believe I’d abandoned them. I told mine this: however it looks this is a long process decided by judges. I am ALWAYS fighting for us. I told them when i was looking for jobs, apartments, etc.. so they understood however slowly, progress was being made. I taught the kids to be a “team”. In the end, they kept each other a little safer by remaining unified. I taught them what gaslighting was the first time my daughter described experiencing it. I did not discuss details (they will try to get you on Parental Alienation just the same. Didn’t work for Woody Allen either. It does not exist in cases with abuse.
Do not sign anything without a lawyer. Go to the free legal help in your area if you must.
Cohabitation is also under duress. In my case he had one but could not “afford” one for me and his ran me out of money immediately.
Do not mediate, do not cooperate. Do not sign anything. I’ve lost everything I had materially, was made homeless. I was found in contempt (read up on the legal case Rideout, the gold standard for broken parenting plans that does not address abuse, or special needs) for letting our children attend their district assigned schools (he twisted things so much in his play to be victim.
I found myself hauled in when our children refused to return to his neglect, abuse, and hoarded home over a year ago, after disclosing abuse. I was denied protection orders 3 times last summer. I’ve been through 2 lawyers, my retirement, my pension.
He took the home I owned before we met under duress it is work about $900k now. He withheld our children 4 months just prior to covid or filing for divorce. He didn’t even file for custody. He spent 100s of thousands on a lawyer just like him.
He’s driving my car. He’s paid no maintenance, no support for the 3 years of separation and 1k total for 3 special needs children in king county wa (spendy here) I was forced to meditate, I was homeless paying a nanny more than I earned to work during my custodial weeks.
Our mediated parenting plan has rules A-N added that only really apply to me. They tried the same thing in temporary agreements. Happy to provide for examples if it helps to see how innocuous sounding “rules” are used to trap us. I’m back to representing myself and children when coercive abuse part of our DV law (added in July 2023).
Our state is lauded for policy it does not follow. Check out Appendix H of our judges manual. The hotlines suggest directing our judges to it. I’ve gotten commissioners claiming his issues are “parenting choices”. I watched her hand an infant (legally speaking) to a suicidal mother who had given her up.
The system is not for us or our kids. There’s a reason financial disclosure is the first thing they ask for. It did not translate to “fair” support.
This is not for pity or to scare you. If anything I’ve learned the hard way helps a good parent protect their kiddos who are surely receiving narcissistic abuse as well (how could they not?) let’s do that! 💕
I have daughters with special needs to protect from a rapist because our system will not.
He’s a “liberal” librarian, btw. This is secular fuckery, no religion involved. Just controlling narcissistic abuse and entitlement by a manchild 6 years my senior. I am 52 now. He busted out a trust fund he’d never disclosed too. I was a runaway at 15 to leave similar abuse. I’d hoped I’d broken a cycle. I still had a blind spot.
Go dark/grey all you can manage, because of the constant petty retaliation. Take an advocate to stuff if you can. Expect to be the only one expected to follow “rules”.
My uncle gave me the best advice, keep your cool, take the high ground, give them nothing to work with, but it’s a long game. I can’t even move to a safer, more affordable, naturey area without my abusers permission. 6 years later, with kids who refuse to see him.
Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry to heard that it's really a big pile of s*** (sorry for my French) you have to deal with... Yes I will be very careful. Next fight ahead, my 6 1/2 year old just told me that his mom (the narc) wants to buy him a flip phone... wow why does a 6 yrs old need one of those (he isn't going anywhere alone...) ... answer is simple and frightening "control" she just wants to control him, follow every move; I'm so sorry for him , I will try to protect him but realistically it will be hard and not possible
Thank you. I know it’s a nightmare and vulnerable position to speak out about this. We try to support each other.
She cannot unilaterally decide anything. You are the father. Maybe look for studies on how detrimental media is to young children, the directly taken as fact of everything they experience until about age 7. If tracking is concern for safety, buy an appletag in his backback or coat pocket.
Document everything. With TalkingParents (free, fees to download the full report for court, and optional things I don’t do), all communication is court admissible.If she won’t, ask for it temporary orders (it’s pretty standard).
Please also ask for a GAL or other court-assigned evaluator. They speak to and represent the children and inform the court regarding their best interests. They talk to parents, schools, therapists to do this evaluation.
Show them research like that or what you’ve learned about narcissistic abuse, the inappropriateness of coparenting with this dynamic, and the impact on the children. My mother was just like my ex, that’s why I let everything go to focus on keeping my children safe. They are all that matter. <3
Mine started attacking my mental health. I have letters from friends, family and a pretty damning letter from my therapist refuting his various lies. He’s gotten quiet since.
We don’t think like them but it’s helpful to decode the best we can. Projection is real. The things we are accused of are the things they you. Knowing what you are dealing with makes it a little easier. I was years into separation before I did.
Oh man we’ve been there. My husband’s ex wife played the same game but in the end she lost. 5 years and countless court hours later, his child now lives with us full time and has little to no contact with her mother. The damage her narcissistic insanity caused to his child and the entire family is devastating and will take years (maybe lifetimes!) to repair, but after trying to take full control and basically steal their child away, our years of providing a loving, healthy, balanced, “normal” home and life won out.
Also, of course, many years in court and unholy lawyer fees. (But! Now our lawyer is one of our close family friends! Ha!)
This is the agreement from hell. Agreements usually have contribution by both parents which are negotiated. This version hurts you and your boys. In reality, she'll breach it a million times over by dropping the boys off with you on her days while demanding greater financial support.
yes agree I find it pretty insulting after the day thinking about it… quite outrages tbh…
Then haul you into court for contempt. Ask me how I know. 💕
yes that is what I want to avoid
Why only weekends for you? Most states that I know of grant equal time unless there's serious abuse.
yes indeed… I will push for equal rights for sure. One challenge I have I’m away for work and in the next few months I will need to go overseas for work so I need a good arrangement
Why are you even looking at, much less considering this, or anything, she presents to you? All communications of this type go through lawyers first. That is, her lawyer writes this up with her input, gives it to your lawyer, who reviews it, and then gives you options. Your receipt of this, without having gone through your lawyer is causing you needless emotional turmoil. It is intended to spin you up (i.e., manipulate you) and keep you off balance. Don't accept or look at anything from her directly. As long as you play the game by her rules she has the upper hand.
thanks for your thoughts. I wish it would be that easy… until the parenting stuff is sorted I still live in the same house… so can’t be shielded 100% by lawyers. Anyway I think you are right in the core of your comment she tries to control and manipulate so I will use now my lawyer to move things forward
thanks for calling it out
I would start recording convos with my phone. Indeed get a recording app and get in the habit of turning it on before you walk in your house. It saved me and my kids getting a worse deal.
He had me sign a promissory note, broke the terms, then called CPS with false claims and kicked me out once he owned it, then withholding the children and telling them nothing. He wanted them to believe I’d abandoned them. I told mine this: however it looks this is a long process decided by judges. I am ALWAYS fighting for us. I told them when i was looking for jobs, apartments, etc.. so they understood however slowly, progress was being made. I taught the kids to be a “team”. In the end, they kept each other a little safer by remaining unified. I taught them what gaslighting was the first time my daughter described experiencing it. I did not discuss details (they will try to get you on Parental Alienation just the same. Didn’t work for Woody Allen either. It does not exist in cases with abuse.
Do not sign anything without a lawyer. Go to the free legal help in your area if you must.
Cohabitation is also under duress. In my case he had one but could not “afford” one for me and his ran me out of money immediately.
Imma shut up now. Much love. 💕
Ours gave equal time after rape.
that is nuts
Thing to keep in mind is that the courts job is to maximize the benefit to the kids, not try to determine who the better person either parent is.
i understand this and I'm all for it... the kids should not suffer under the situation (unfortunately they do)
Fact, but if there is abuse it must be called out. 50/50 parenting is not possible with a narcissistic abuser. The kids suffer.
Do not mediate, do not cooperate. Do not sign anything. I’ve lost everything I had materially, was made homeless. I was found in contempt (read up on the legal case Rideout, the gold standard for broken parenting plans that does not address abuse, or special needs) for letting our children attend their district assigned schools (he twisted things so much in his play to be victim.
I found myself hauled in when our children refused to return to his neglect, abuse, and hoarded home over a year ago, after disclosing abuse. I was denied protection orders 3 times last summer. I’ve been through 2 lawyers, my retirement, my pension.
He took the home I owned before we met under duress it is work about $900k now. He withheld our children 4 months just prior to covid or filing for divorce. He didn’t even file for custody. He spent 100s of thousands on a lawyer just like him.
He’s driving my car. He’s paid no maintenance, no support for the 3 years of separation and 1k total for 3 special needs children in king county wa (spendy here) I was forced to meditate, I was homeless paying a nanny more than I earned to work during my custodial weeks.
Our mediated parenting plan has rules A-N added that only really apply to me. They tried the same thing in temporary agreements. Happy to provide for examples if it helps to see how innocuous sounding “rules” are used to trap us. I’m back to representing myself and children when coercive abuse part of our DV law (added in July 2023).
Our state is lauded for policy it does not follow. Check out Appendix H of our judges manual. The hotlines suggest directing our judges to it. I’ve gotten commissioners claiming his issues are “parenting choices”. I watched her hand an infant (legally speaking) to a suicidal mother who had given her up.
The system is not for us or our kids. There’s a reason financial disclosure is the first thing they ask for. It did not translate to “fair” support.
This is not for pity or to scare you. If anything I’ve learned the hard way helps a good parent protect their kiddos who are surely receiving narcissistic abuse as well (how could they not?) let’s do that! 💕
I have daughters with special needs to protect from a rapist because our system will not.
He’s a “liberal” librarian, btw. This is secular fuckery, no religion involved. Just controlling narcissistic abuse and entitlement by a manchild 6 years my senior. I am 52 now. He busted out a trust fund he’d never disclosed too. I was a runaway at 15 to leave similar abuse. I’d hoped I’d broken a cycle. I still had a blind spot.
Go dark/grey all you can manage, because of the constant petty retaliation. Take an advocate to stuff if you can. Expect to be the only one expected to follow “rules”.
My uncle gave me the best advice, keep your cool, take the high ground, give them nothing to work with, but it’s a long game. I can’t even move to a safer, more affordable, naturey area without my abusers permission. 6 years later, with kids who refuse to see him.
Qi gong helps for the stress. 💕💕
Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry to heard that it's really a big pile of s*** (sorry for my French) you have to deal with... Yes I will be very careful. Next fight ahead, my 6 1/2 year old just told me that his mom (the narc) wants to buy him a flip phone... wow why does a 6 yrs old need one of those (he isn't going anywhere alone...) ... answer is simple and frightening "control" she just wants to control him, follow every move; I'm so sorry for him , I will try to protect him but realistically it will be hard and not possible
Thank you. I know it’s a nightmare and vulnerable position to speak out about this. We try to support each other.
She cannot unilaterally decide anything. You are the father. Maybe look for studies on how detrimental media is to young children, the directly taken as fact of everything they experience until about age 7. If tracking is concern for safety, buy an appletag in his backback or coat pocket.
Document everything. With TalkingParents (free, fees to download the full report for court, and optional things I don’t do), all communication is court admissible.If she won’t, ask for it temporary orders (it’s pretty standard).
Please also ask for a GAL or other court-assigned evaluator. They speak to and represent the children and inform the court regarding their best interests. They talk to parents, schools, therapists to do this evaluation.
Show them research like that or what you’ve learned about narcissistic abuse, the inappropriateness of coparenting with this dynamic, and the impact on the children. My mother was just like my ex, that’s why I let everything go to focus on keeping my children safe. They are all that matter. <3
Mine started attacking my mental health. I have letters from friends, family and a pretty damning letter from my therapist refuting his various lies. He’s gotten quiet since.
We don’t think like them but it’s helpful to decode the best we can. Projection is real. The things we are accused of are the things they you. Knowing what you are dealing with makes it a little easier. I was years into separation before I did.
All the good vibes. <3
Oh man we’ve been there. My husband’s ex wife played the same game but in the end she lost. 5 years and countless court hours later, his child now lives with us full time and has little to no contact with her mother. The damage her narcissistic insanity caused to his child and the entire family is devastating and will take years (maybe lifetimes!) to repair, but after trying to take full control and basically steal their child away, our years of providing a loving, healthy, balanced, “normal” home and life won out.
Also, of course, many years in court and unholy lawyer fees. (But! Now our lawyer is one of our close family friends! Ha!)