Separating from an Abusive Narcissist

From MBTI insights to the trials of toxic relationships, today was anything but average.

July 18, 2024

The Daily Huddle

Didn’t leave the house today. No, I’m not sick; it just didn’t work out. Started early with work and got sucked right into it. Working from home has its ups, but it also has a lot of downs—like the big, glaring neon sign called “Loneliness!” I work best when I’m surrounded by people. I don’t need to talk to them or do a workshop, just being in the same room is enough. My MBTI is ENTP, which stands for Extraversion. I get my energy from being with people in loud places, surrounded by buzz and chatter. Zoom just doesn’t cut it.

First learned about MBTI from McKinsey—it’s a good predictor of how people react in certain situations and how best to work with them (and also to squeeze the maximum out of them). Speaking of work, my contract extension isn’t through yet, but my old contract ended yesterday. I’m treating it like a handshake deal and just keep working. Not every day can be sunshine and rainbows, right?

Sifting Through the Scraps

The Mother wanted to talk today, but nothing happened there. I read Nathalie’s article, “What to Expect When You Leave a Toxic Relationship,” and boy, can I tick a lot of those boxes. The abuse has been tough. Here’s a story: The Mother always earned more than I did—she was one level above me at McKinsey, which is a huge difference in take-home pay. We always split everything 50/50, but after three years with my startup, I ran out of savings. She started to pay more but pressured me to sell my last reserves the retirement savings.

During COVID, we moved to a rural area, better for the kids, but needed cars. We ended up buying two—a big blue family car and a smaller green car. Earlier this year, I took the kids to the beach and got some sunscreen on the blue car’s leather seats (nothing crazy can be easily fixed if you know how). The Mother went ballistic, saying I ruined her car and forbade me from using it. Funny thing is, we both paid for the gas, insurance, and repairs from a joint account. I refused to ride in it since then. She couldn’t admit she was wrong.

A few weekends ago, I asked for the separation. I started the conversation by asking if she’d stop with the car craziness. She tried to find excuses. I said I wanted a separation. It might seem petty, but it showed me who she really is. She tries to control and manipulate, and I can’t stay with someone like that. This whole incident makes me super angry. I’m too nice in this situation. My brother or dad would’ve left immediately, but I couldn’t—because of the kids? Financial dependency?

At the end of the talk, she said, “You can use the white car.” No apology, just like that. I think she wants to keep me around for the bills—I’ve got a well-paid consulting gig, and she’s not having much success with her coaching. I’ve realized she won’t change, which makes me sad and angry. I knew it for a long time - I guess. I had to read this article Once a Narcissist Always a Narcissist from FAHIM CHUGHTAI to remind myself about that. I feel lonely in my own family, and I’m sorry for my kids.

Lessons from the Trenches

Enthusiasm (building block Coach Wooden’s Pyramid of Success)—what a word. It’s Greek, meaning “possessed by a god” or “inspired.” I haven’t felt inspired lately. Reading the chapter on Enthusiasm was interesting, especially the part about leaders needing to love their work to expect competency from their team. Quite the burden! The book suggests writing down three things you like and don’t like and developing a plan to get enthusiastic about them. Can you train yourself to be enthusiastic about something you hate? Maybe. The human brain is funny. Did you know spending time with someone you don’t like can make you start liking them? True story. So, at work, spend time with your enemies—they might become friends (trust is another story).

I wrote down my three things and will work on them. This book is hard work.

So long, and remember, even when life throws sunscreen on your leather seats, keep finding the joy in the journey.

I’m an enthusiastic guy, I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor, I’m an ENTP and need good people around me to be at my best.

Walter

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Current Books in Parallel Reading:

• Atomic Habits by James Clear

• Pyramid of Success by Coach Wooden

Habits I’m Working On:

• Fitness & Health: More sports, healthy eating, no junk food, lots of veggies, and less sugar. Aim: Sports 4 times a week (weights and running).
Mindset: I’m a runner and I’m healthy.
Status: nope not today

• Dental Health: Flossing daily to avoid crowns and root canals.
Mindset: I have healthy teeth and I don’t hear the drill sound anymore
Status: yes found floss and flossed yesterday night and this morning

• Writing: Practice, practice, practice—daily diary entries, no excuses.
Mindset: Yep still on track … above is the proof

Consecutive Post on Walter’s Diary:

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